Death

     It has been a whole weekend since the shooting in Newtown, CT and I still can't imagine death the way I use to. I use to feel peace. I use to be able to move on after a tragedy very easily. That particular trait helped me cope with a lot of stressful situations I had as an EMT on an ambulance. When children died or when there were fatalities in a car accident, I could easily "God" them away and felt like they had fully lived enough and could move on to another world now.
     As I was finishing up my mother's Christmas present, a slide show of pictures from before she was married until now, I couldn't stop thinking about every child, youth, and adult that I have seen over the past ten years that has died. I couldn't stop wandering what happens to them and will their loved ones ever see them again? When my family members have died and will die in the future, is that it? Will I never get to hug them again? Will I never see my parents after they've passed? Not knowing use to be so easy for me. Any out of my control I could live with and I knew I would just have to move on because there was no use wasting my tears on something that I would never know the answers to. As I'm remembering my day Friday, I am trying to move past the unknowns and I have been telling myself that it will do no good to think about the many children who died and who's families may never see them again, including the shooter and his family. I am trying to suppress the feelings of sadness I feel when I think about my family and how long it has been since I've seen them and how long I would have to go before feeling peace, from death, when they die. It is overwhelming to ponder about your loved ones leaving you for a lifetime. I just wish I knew or at least didn't care what happens after death.
     I want to spend the remainder of my life with the man I love. When he passes on, will I see him again? When I die, can I have the peace in knowing that I will see him someday? No. I have to accept that six year olds die and may never see their mothers again. My husband will die, and I may never kiss him again. My mother, father, sister, brothers will all die, and I will never know if I will hug them again. I guess when people say to live every moment like it's your last, it is true advice. Marriages should be like dating, forever. Never ceasing to love in new ways. Families should find forgiveness, never forgetting that they are solely the only family they will ever have. I hope I can find peace in my life and I do wish that after death, our "souls"  are exsistant and do remember all of the things that made us human and all of those we loved along the way.

--Ashley C.