I Can See Clearly Now...

     Over the last year I feel like I've become a different person. Not all in a bad way, I just feel like my head is finally clearing up. I have gone through so much sorrow and regret, I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to be the best that I can be and everything should fall into place the way it is meant to be. I don't know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to do. I know that I am putting my faith in the unknown and that I know I will be okay.
     I've decided to put my goals on paper. I can't put my relationship goals or goals of my heart on paper, but I can put goals that involve myself in cement. I can make the things in my life that I can control happen. The things I can't control, I have to have faith that it will work out the way it is suppose to. So I've made a "Vision Board." This is basically a poster that has my goals and dreams in picture and word form in a place where I can see it and think about how I can make it happen. I'm proud of myself today for this. I'm proud that I can figure things out logically and clearly. I can see where I want to be and I can achieve it. I hope this continues to work for me and that I can continue to have faith in the unknown. That my heart will be happy and that my soul can sing one day.

This is to my visions and to my goals.

Suspension

     Sometimes it feels like my life is suspended in front of me. That is especially how my life feels today. When I say today, I mean at least the last month. I know that at times I feel terribly wonderful and at times I feel terribly down, especially in the last few years. I guess that can be characterized as mood swings or it could be that life is just coming at me in waves and my emotions get the better of me in most situations. Either way, it seems as if my life is just going. With or without me it seems to be moving monotonously in one direction. Working and not working are my two main objectives. I'm not saying I don't have goals or things planned, but I've had the issue of not knowing what my long term goals are for quite a while. I don't know where I'll be in five years or what my career will entail in that time. I don't know if I'll have a family or if I'll be alone. I don't know if I'll finish school or become healthy. I do know that I have goals and wants for my future, I just wish they were a bit clearer. I want my life to be moving at a steady pace, moving forward, towards greater happiness. Not in this weird state where I'm not crumbling downward, I'm not conquering much, and I'm just stagnant. It may not seem that way. I have a great job, I get to travel the country and see the world on my own time. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who supports me and tries to  nurture my sensitivities. My family is closer than most and I get to see them more frequently than a lot of other people and their families. While all of these things are true, I feel that on an intellectual level I'm not moving. I feel like on a level of careers I'm not moving. I feel like on a level of emotionalism, I don't feel as secure as I would like to. I'm not writing this for answers, but for a clearer understanding on my part. I'm hoping that all of my faults and insecurities can be resolved and soon. I didn't start this blog so that I could be standing in suspension and to record those moments. I started to write about my success stories and my failed attempts at success....

Christian Charity or Just Plain Charity

     This afternoon I went to wash my dirty clothes. I've been needing to do this for a few days now and I'm on my last pair of clean panties. Okay, that is a little too much information, but seriously, it was time to wash some clothes. I've stayed in Cleveland before and there is a laundry mat that I go to every time I'm here. So I get there, I put my clothes on and as I"m enjoying my amazing, zero calorie, herbal tea, this older woman comes in and starts talking to the attendant on duty. They are obviously friends, and I can tell by the homemade pot roast being past along between them that they have been friends for a long while. I could not help myself, I commented on how wonderful the food smelled. As I am getting to know these two ladies the woman who walked in after me asks when the last time it was that I had a home cooked meal. Not five minutes later she had a Tupperware container filled with the delicious smelling pot roast, and put it in my hands. I did not know these two women, and the amazing kindness they showed me will not be forgotten.
     This event is making me think about charity and how all sorts of people are charitable. I am wondering why when I think of charity, I think of Christians. I am thinking that it is because as a Christian, I was directed to involve myself in charity a lot. Charity is after all, the love of Christ.  As an atheist, where does charity fit it? Is that something we do because, we would want others to treat us with the same kindness? Or is it something we do because, it is expected of us as human beings? Why as humans do we feel the need to help each other? Why is it "embedded" in our DNA to help those less fortunate than ourselves? I certainly don't need food or money from a stranger, but a stranger fed me because, she felt that it would bring me comfort. That to me is so touching and wonderful. I hope that I can show that kind of kindness to others as my life continues. As I think about the questions that I have asked in this post, I believe I will eventually come to some answer and maybe this is why our species is "higher" in intelligence than other animals. .

--Ashley C.

Sweat, Tears, and Fish

     This is the end of week two on MediFast, and I feel like it has been months. I ended the week with a 40 minute cardio work out. Now to avid trainers, that doesn't sound like a long, awful, workout; but to me, it is double the time I normally spend on a treadmill in one day. I want to keep saying that I hate sweating and that I don't like the gym. Which is actually quite true, but tonight I am finding the good feeling after a work out. I have been fighting myself every night, as Zach will surely tell you, with going to the gym. Once I get there I get through it and end up enjoying my night. I guess I need to find a way to motivate myself, because it is life or death. I can live, I can better myself, or I can just keep sliding down this slippery slope of greasy, delicious, sweet, death. I've cried about it, I've pouted about it, and now it's time for me to do something about it.
     I've actually been pretty emotional lately and, I feel like I'm just getting my emotions back in check. I've felt overwhelmed, distant, and nearly worthless. I am learning that, getting a better diet and a better work out plan does not make me feel of more value. I'm not saying that I feel like I'm not worth anything or that I'm an awful person, because I'm not. I do feel like I could be better a better person, girlfriend (as I've learned all too recently,) and friend. I could be happier, nicer, more understanding, and in general better. Dieting and exercise isn't going to bring me to that point. Emotional workouts seem to be just as hard, if not harder than physical workouts.
     On a different note, Zach bought a fish tonight. I named him Fred. He is a royal blue beta fish and I can't wait to get a picture of him. It got me thinking about pets and the comfort they can bring into our lives. Now, a fish can't cuddle with you on the couch, or go out for a walk on a leash, but there is something about life that makes us as humans happy to be apart of. I have always had pets in one way or the other. Living in a hotel and on the road makes that impossible, but it just got me thinking about pets and why they bring us happiness. Pets bring comfort and wonder. We always wonder about how our pets feel or if they're thinking, and what exactly they're thinking about. It is healthy to think about things like that and I miss having animals in my life. I can't wait to see how having a fish affects Zach's life.

--Ashley C.

Mystery Shopping for My Relationship

     This morning, I was filling out a survey for a restaurant I went to a few weeks ago. As I was writing about how lack luster the service was, I got to thinking about my own life. Can I put a random survey out there on my relationship? I wondered if I was "up to par", or if I also was "lack luster," as a girlfriend. I think that, the majority of the time, I am fully invested in my relationship. I am actively thinking about the things that I say and do, and how those things will affect my wonderful, handsome, awesome, boyfriend. But, on occasion, I find myself wondering if what I am doing or saying is enough. Am I putting my all into this relationship? Am I being the best for him? For the last few weeks, I'm not sure if I can answer all of those questions with a yes. I have been going to sleep because, I am tired. I have been eating because I am hungry. I have been watching a movie because, I am bored. I have been doing a lot of things because, I want to do them. Are these the right things for my relationship?  It is easy to lean on someone for support, and to forget that this is a two way support system. I hope that I have been enough and can be enough in the future. I hope that he understands how much he means to me and how amazing his support has been. I hope he understands that I want to be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for.
     I want to pass out a survey to see what kind of girlfriend, daughter, sister, or best friend I am. And, if I did, would the results be what I expect them to be, or would I also "lack luster" in a few areas?  I think we all have faults, that isn't what I mean. I mean, is this the best I will ever be and is this enough for such a great guy? I'm not sure.
     I think it is the moments of doubt, like this, that make me better in the future. While these doubts seem harsh or insignificant in the grand scheme of things, these doubts make me think, and feel, and make different decisions to test the waters. So while it may seem like a down point to me, maybe it will turn into something that I am confident about or something that I can say yes to. Yes, I am a great girlfriend, friend, sister, or daughter. Until then, I guess I'll just be searching, changing, and improving myself.

--Ashley C.

A New Life

I wanted to share something from my actual journal today. I'll type it up word for word and write a little bit after. Are you ready? Here we go.

     There's hope!!! Today is day four of MediFast and I've finally found enjoyment and control. I can do this! I can loose weight! I can make healthy decisions! I can choose!

     I have decided to weigh in once a week so that I'm not obsessing over the ups and downs or over the numbers. So I've got until Sunday to worry about all of that. Today I tasted almond milk for the first time. WOW! It's rich, sweet, has great flavor, and most importantly... I can drink it once a day on this diet!!! I haven't been this excited since I got my current job. I know being excited over almond milk may sound ridiculous  but it isn't just that. I'm discovering ways to live healthier. I'm finding that I can be in control of my choices. (With help at first and throughout) I've realized that food isn't suppose to be a reward, a comfort, or something that I "deserve." Let me explain a little further. Yesterday, I flew into San Antonio, Texas. (Need I say more) The moment I walked out of the airport I could smell the aroma of fresh tortillas and fajitas  Not a moment later I had a local telling me the best places to eat and WHERE THEY WERE LOCATED! I called Zach on my way to the hotel and tried to convince him that this may be a once in a life time chance to experience San Antonio for the first time. I tried telling him how good everything smelled and that I deserved it after all of the "nasty" foods I had to endure. I tried to make him tell me it would be OK just this one time. That one meal couldn't or wouldn't somehow break my diet. After what seemed like forever of explanations (and excuses) he would not give in. He told me that opening this door would just lead to more "just this once" times and that I would make and excuse for every city I went to for the first time. He did not falter. He did not change his position and he supported all the right reasons as to why I should not order any Mexican food. Thank goodness for Zach. His unfaltering support had me pacing in my hotel room trying to talk myself into dinner with chips, salsa, tortillas, and as much Mexican food as I could eat in one meal. I was still conflicted when I got in the car and turned on the GPS. I went to Texas Roadhouse, had a salad, fresh vegetables with no butter/oil, and a lean sirloin steak. When I left I felt satisfied  This was a victory for me. And this morning, I felt even better! See, this experience, overcoming this struggle, has taught me that I can choose and make the right choices. Finding the almond milk reassures me that when this is all over and I don't have the structured packets of meals that I don't have to go back to the foods I knew before. There is a better life, better choices, and better foods that I wasn't even aware of. I am finally finding control and a better way. 

So I guess Zach is to thank today for this discovery. But I'm excited for the future and for all of things I have to learn about myself and the way I think about things. (Food in general) So for today I am going to live with hope. Hope in my better future. Hope in my better body. And hope in my better choices. 

--Ashley C.

Death

     It has been a whole weekend since the shooting in Newtown, CT and I still can't imagine death the way I use to. I use to feel peace. I use to be able to move on after a tragedy very easily. That particular trait helped me cope with a lot of stressful situations I had as an EMT on an ambulance. When children died or when there were fatalities in a car accident, I could easily "God" them away and felt like they had fully lived enough and could move on to another world now.
     As I was finishing up my mother's Christmas present, a slide show of pictures from before she was married until now, I couldn't stop thinking about every child, youth, and adult that I have seen over the past ten years that has died. I couldn't stop wandering what happens to them and will their loved ones ever see them again? When my family members have died and will die in the future, is that it? Will I never get to hug them again? Will I never see my parents after they've passed? Not knowing use to be so easy for me. Any out of my control I could live with and I knew I would just have to move on because there was no use wasting my tears on something that I would never know the answers to. As I'm remembering my day Friday, I am trying to move past the unknowns and I have been telling myself that it will do no good to think about the many children who died and who's families may never see them again, including the shooter and his family. I am trying to suppress the feelings of sadness I feel when I think about my family and how long it has been since I've seen them and how long I would have to go before feeling peace, from death, when they die. It is overwhelming to ponder about your loved ones leaving you for a lifetime. I just wish I knew or at least didn't care what happens after death.
     I want to spend the remainder of my life with the man I love. When he passes on, will I see him again? When I die, can I have the peace in knowing that I will see him someday? No. I have to accept that six year olds die and may never see their mothers again. My husband will die, and I may never kiss him again. My mother, father, sister, brothers will all die, and I will never know if I will hug them again. I guess when people say to live every moment like it's your last, it is true advice. Marriages should be like dating, forever. Never ceasing to love in new ways. Families should find forgiveness, never forgetting that they are solely the only family they will ever have. I hope I can find peace in my life and I do wish that after death, our "souls"  are exsistant and do remember all of the things that made us human and all of those we loved along the way.

--Ashley C.