Christian Charity or Just Plain Charity

     This afternoon I went to wash my dirty clothes. I've been needing to do this for a few days now and I'm on my last pair of clean panties. Okay, that is a little too much information, but seriously, it was time to wash some clothes. I've stayed in Cleveland before and there is a laundry mat that I go to every time I'm here. So I get there, I put my clothes on and as I"m enjoying my amazing, zero calorie, herbal tea, this older woman comes in and starts talking to the attendant on duty. They are obviously friends, and I can tell by the homemade pot roast being past along between them that they have been friends for a long while. I could not help myself, I commented on how wonderful the food smelled. As I am getting to know these two ladies the woman who walked in after me asks when the last time it was that I had a home cooked meal. Not five minutes later she had a Tupperware container filled with the delicious smelling pot roast, and put it in my hands. I did not know these two women, and the amazing kindness they showed me will not be forgotten.
     This event is making me think about charity and how all sorts of people are charitable. I am wondering why when I think of charity, I think of Christians. I am thinking that it is because as a Christian, I was directed to involve myself in charity a lot. Charity is after all, the love of Christ.  As an atheist, where does charity fit it? Is that something we do because, we would want others to treat us with the same kindness? Or is it something we do because, it is expected of us as human beings? Why as humans do we feel the need to help each other? Why is it "embedded" in our DNA to help those less fortunate than ourselves? I certainly don't need food or money from a stranger, but a stranger fed me because, she felt that it would bring me comfort. That to me is so touching and wonderful. I hope that I can show that kind of kindness to others as my life continues. As I think about the questions that I have asked in this post, I believe I will eventually come to some answer and maybe this is why our species is "higher" in intelligence than other animals. .

--Ashley C.

Sweat, Tears, and Fish

     This is the end of week two on MediFast, and I feel like it has been months. I ended the week with a 40 minute cardio work out. Now to avid trainers, that doesn't sound like a long, awful, workout; but to me, it is double the time I normally spend on a treadmill in one day. I want to keep saying that I hate sweating and that I don't like the gym. Which is actually quite true, but tonight I am finding the good feeling after a work out. I have been fighting myself every night, as Zach will surely tell you, with going to the gym. Once I get there I get through it and end up enjoying my night. I guess I need to find a way to motivate myself, because it is life or death. I can live, I can better myself, or I can just keep sliding down this slippery slope of greasy, delicious, sweet, death. I've cried about it, I've pouted about it, and now it's time for me to do something about it.
     I've actually been pretty emotional lately and, I feel like I'm just getting my emotions back in check. I've felt overwhelmed, distant, and nearly worthless. I am learning that, getting a better diet and a better work out plan does not make me feel of more value. I'm not saying that I feel like I'm not worth anything or that I'm an awful person, because I'm not. I do feel like I could be better a better person, girlfriend (as I've learned all too recently,) and friend. I could be happier, nicer, more understanding, and in general better. Dieting and exercise isn't going to bring me to that point. Emotional workouts seem to be just as hard, if not harder than physical workouts.
     On a different note, Zach bought a fish tonight. I named him Fred. He is a royal blue beta fish and I can't wait to get a picture of him. It got me thinking about pets and the comfort they can bring into our lives. Now, a fish can't cuddle with you on the couch, or go out for a walk on a leash, but there is something about life that makes us as humans happy to be apart of. I have always had pets in one way or the other. Living in a hotel and on the road makes that impossible, but it just got me thinking about pets and why they bring us happiness. Pets bring comfort and wonder. We always wonder about how our pets feel or if they're thinking, and what exactly they're thinking about. It is healthy to think about things like that and I miss having animals in my life. I can't wait to see how having a fish affects Zach's life.

--Ashley C.

Mystery Shopping for My Relationship

     This morning, I was filling out a survey for a restaurant I went to a few weeks ago. As I was writing about how lack luster the service was, I got to thinking about my own life. Can I put a random survey out there on my relationship? I wondered if I was "up to par", or if I also was "lack luster," as a girlfriend. I think that, the majority of the time, I am fully invested in my relationship. I am actively thinking about the things that I say and do, and how those things will affect my wonderful, handsome, awesome, boyfriend. But, on occasion, I find myself wondering if what I am doing or saying is enough. Am I putting my all into this relationship? Am I being the best for him? For the last few weeks, I'm not sure if I can answer all of those questions with a yes. I have been going to sleep because, I am tired. I have been eating because I am hungry. I have been watching a movie because, I am bored. I have been doing a lot of things because, I want to do them. Are these the right things for my relationship?  It is easy to lean on someone for support, and to forget that this is a two way support system. I hope that I have been enough and can be enough in the future. I hope that he understands how much he means to me and how amazing his support has been. I hope he understands that I want to be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for.
     I want to pass out a survey to see what kind of girlfriend, daughter, sister, or best friend I am. And, if I did, would the results be what I expect them to be, or would I also "lack luster" in a few areas?  I think we all have faults, that isn't what I mean. I mean, is this the best I will ever be and is this enough for such a great guy? I'm not sure.
     I think it is the moments of doubt, like this, that make me better in the future. While these doubts seem harsh or insignificant in the grand scheme of things, these doubts make me think, and feel, and make different decisions to test the waters. So while it may seem like a down point to me, maybe it will turn into something that I am confident about or something that I can say yes to. Yes, I am a great girlfriend, friend, sister, or daughter. Until then, I guess I'll just be searching, changing, and improving myself.

--Ashley C.

A New Life

I wanted to share something from my actual journal today. I'll type it up word for word and write a little bit after. Are you ready? Here we go.

     There's hope!!! Today is day four of MediFast and I've finally found enjoyment and control. I can do this! I can loose weight! I can make healthy decisions! I can choose!

     I have decided to weigh in once a week so that I'm not obsessing over the ups and downs or over the numbers. So I've got until Sunday to worry about all of that. Today I tasted almond milk for the first time. WOW! It's rich, sweet, has great flavor, and most importantly... I can drink it once a day on this diet!!! I haven't been this excited since I got my current job. I know being excited over almond milk may sound ridiculous  but it isn't just that. I'm discovering ways to live healthier. I'm finding that I can be in control of my choices. (With help at first and throughout) I've realized that food isn't suppose to be a reward, a comfort, or something that I "deserve." Let me explain a little further. Yesterday, I flew into San Antonio, Texas. (Need I say more) The moment I walked out of the airport I could smell the aroma of fresh tortillas and fajitas  Not a moment later I had a local telling me the best places to eat and WHERE THEY WERE LOCATED! I called Zach on my way to the hotel and tried to convince him that this may be a once in a life time chance to experience San Antonio for the first time. I tried telling him how good everything smelled and that I deserved it after all of the "nasty" foods I had to endure. I tried to make him tell me it would be OK just this one time. That one meal couldn't or wouldn't somehow break my diet. After what seemed like forever of explanations (and excuses) he would not give in. He told me that opening this door would just lead to more "just this once" times and that I would make and excuse for every city I went to for the first time. He did not falter. He did not change his position and he supported all the right reasons as to why I should not order any Mexican food. Thank goodness for Zach. His unfaltering support had me pacing in my hotel room trying to talk myself into dinner with chips, salsa, tortillas, and as much Mexican food as I could eat in one meal. I was still conflicted when I got in the car and turned on the GPS. I went to Texas Roadhouse, had a salad, fresh vegetables with no butter/oil, and a lean sirloin steak. When I left I felt satisfied  This was a victory for me. And this morning, I felt even better! See, this experience, overcoming this struggle, has taught me that I can choose and make the right choices. Finding the almond milk reassures me that when this is all over and I don't have the structured packets of meals that I don't have to go back to the foods I knew before. There is a better life, better choices, and better foods that I wasn't even aware of. I am finally finding control and a better way. 

So I guess Zach is to thank today for this discovery. But I'm excited for the future and for all of things I have to learn about myself and the way I think about things. (Food in general) So for today I am going to live with hope. Hope in my better future. Hope in my better body. And hope in my better choices. 

--Ashley C.

Death

     It has been a whole weekend since the shooting in Newtown, CT and I still can't imagine death the way I use to. I use to feel peace. I use to be able to move on after a tragedy very easily. That particular trait helped me cope with a lot of stressful situations I had as an EMT on an ambulance. When children died or when there were fatalities in a car accident, I could easily "God" them away and felt like they had fully lived enough and could move on to another world now.
     As I was finishing up my mother's Christmas present, a slide show of pictures from before she was married until now, I couldn't stop thinking about every child, youth, and adult that I have seen over the past ten years that has died. I couldn't stop wandering what happens to them and will their loved ones ever see them again? When my family members have died and will die in the future, is that it? Will I never get to hug them again? Will I never see my parents after they've passed? Not knowing use to be so easy for me. Any out of my control I could live with and I knew I would just have to move on because there was no use wasting my tears on something that I would never know the answers to. As I'm remembering my day Friday, I am trying to move past the unknowns and I have been telling myself that it will do no good to think about the many children who died and who's families may never see them again, including the shooter and his family. I am trying to suppress the feelings of sadness I feel when I think about my family and how long it has been since I've seen them and how long I would have to go before feeling peace, from death, when they die. It is overwhelming to ponder about your loved ones leaving you for a lifetime. I just wish I knew or at least didn't care what happens after death.
     I want to spend the remainder of my life with the man I love. When he passes on, will I see him again? When I die, can I have the peace in knowing that I will see him someday? No. I have to accept that six year olds die and may never see their mothers again. My husband will die, and I may never kiss him again. My mother, father, sister, brothers will all die, and I will never know if I will hug them again. I guess when people say to live every moment like it's your last, it is true advice. Marriages should be like dating, forever. Never ceasing to love in new ways. Families should find forgiveness, never forgetting that they are solely the only family they will ever have. I hope I can find peace in my life and I do wish that after death, our "souls"  are exsistant and do remember all of the things that made us human and all of those we loved along the way.

--Ashley C.

Innocence Lost

     There was so much innocence lost today. So many children, families, teachers, police officers and friends affected by such a tragedy. This morning a 20 year old boy went to a local elementary school and killed over 20 students and staff, including his own mother. There were many lives saved and spared when this boy shot and killed himself, but no innocence was spared. Kindergardeners... elementary school aged children... their innocence was not saved. They will forever remember today, as will their families. As tears stream down my face, I try to imagine if I had children how I would feel in sending my child to school. I think about all of the policies that are put in place to keep our children safe, but fail to do so. It is hard to imagine the relief I would feel to see my child walking out of their school with their eyes shut, holding onto the child in front of them. I also, with a heavy heart, try to imagine the intense grief, pain, and suffering I would feel if I did not see my child walking out with their class. I can not imagine it this way. I can barely imagine seeing my own siblings, or friend's children not coming home, not opening the presents that are already under the tree for them on Christmas. How devastating events like this are, that we fail to learn from on a personal level. How unprepared we are as a community and society that this continues to happen, over and over again. Once is bad enough, but multiple times, across the nation, in different situations, is almost too much to bear. But we must bear it, we must continue on with life as normal, bear the souls of babies on our minds.
     In a way, I have lost quite a bit of innocence today. I've lost my since of safety and peace of mind. I've lost a lot of faith in other people protecting what is mine. I wish I could do something, but there is nothing to be done. You can not bring back a life after it has ended, no matter how much medical knowledge or "faith" that you may have, you cannot bring back the children or teachers of today's massacre. It is in times like this, where prayer used to comfort me and bring me peace, but there is no peace to be found. Just sorrow. I do hope will everything I have that the families and friends that have been personally affected today will somehow find peace and understanding.

-Ashley C.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness...

     Life... I try to live it. Liberty... I try to take advantage of it. The Pursuit of Happiness... I'm obviously pursuing it on a daily basis.
     My life has been crazy and grounded all at once as it seems to be a lot. Maybe this is the actual normal in most people's lives. I have taken on the task of starting a business with my love. While most may say this is not a good idea and even experts have commented on the fact that it should be something done cautiously, I've found that it has added a since of understanding in our relationship. It has forced us both to be more understanding and to have better communication skills. I'm not saying it has been easy, because it has been surely the opposite! And finding a happy medium between professionalism and relationshipism is still a shot in the dark sometimes. Our relationship has blossomed in such a different way than before. We listen, even if we don't admit it, and we have grown and have room to grow, as individuals and as a couple. I think we all tend to think when we work on something that we, obviously, are the hardest workers on the face of the Earth. This has been a struggle personally for my relationship, and when money is involved and hard work is being measured, I personally feel like, it is nearly impossible to convey how much you care about something or how hard you have worked and plan to work to someone who feels the same way, about themselves. I do believe that we can do this, and that we can do it gloriously! And when we are talking about crumbling or conquering... Zach and I are the conquering type. So look out world, we are now the newest small business owners! (And I get to have a business card.)


     Check out the site and maybe comment on what you think!

                                                   www.boffolessons.com


--Ashley