Mystery Shopping for My Relationship

     This morning, I was filling out a survey for a restaurant I went to a few weeks ago. As I was writing about how lack luster the service was, I got to thinking about my own life. Can I put a random survey out there on my relationship? I wondered if I was "up to par", or if I also was "lack luster," as a girlfriend. I think that, the majority of the time, I am fully invested in my relationship. I am actively thinking about the things that I say and do, and how those things will affect my wonderful, handsome, awesome, boyfriend. But, on occasion, I find myself wondering if what I am doing or saying is enough. Am I putting my all into this relationship? Am I being the best for him? For the last few weeks, I'm not sure if I can answer all of those questions with a yes. I have been going to sleep because, I am tired. I have been eating because I am hungry. I have been watching a movie because, I am bored. I have been doing a lot of things because, I want to do them. Are these the right things for my relationship?  It is easy to lean on someone for support, and to forget that this is a two way support system. I hope that I have been enough and can be enough in the future. I hope that he understands how much he means to me and how amazing his support has been. I hope he understands that I want to be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for.
     I want to pass out a survey to see what kind of girlfriend, daughter, sister, or best friend I am. And, if I did, would the results be what I expect them to be, or would I also "lack luster" in a few areas?  I think we all have faults, that isn't what I mean. I mean, is this the best I will ever be and is this enough for such a great guy? I'm not sure.
     I think it is the moments of doubt, like this, that make me better in the future. While these doubts seem harsh or insignificant in the grand scheme of things, these doubts make me think, and feel, and make different decisions to test the waters. So while it may seem like a down point to me, maybe it will turn into something that I am confident about or something that I can say yes to. Yes, I am a great girlfriend, friend, sister, or daughter. Until then, I guess I'll just be searching, changing, and improving myself.

--Ashley C.

A New Life

I wanted to share something from my actual journal today. I'll type it up word for word and write a little bit after. Are you ready? Here we go.

     There's hope!!! Today is day four of MediFast and I've finally found enjoyment and control. I can do this! I can loose weight! I can make healthy decisions! I can choose!

     I have decided to weigh in once a week so that I'm not obsessing over the ups and downs or over the numbers. So I've got until Sunday to worry about all of that. Today I tasted almond milk for the first time. WOW! It's rich, sweet, has great flavor, and most importantly... I can drink it once a day on this diet!!! I haven't been this excited since I got my current job. I know being excited over almond milk may sound ridiculous  but it isn't just that. I'm discovering ways to live healthier. I'm finding that I can be in control of my choices. (With help at first and throughout) I've realized that food isn't suppose to be a reward, a comfort, or something that I "deserve." Let me explain a little further. Yesterday, I flew into San Antonio, Texas. (Need I say more) The moment I walked out of the airport I could smell the aroma of fresh tortillas and fajitas  Not a moment later I had a local telling me the best places to eat and WHERE THEY WERE LOCATED! I called Zach on my way to the hotel and tried to convince him that this may be a once in a life time chance to experience San Antonio for the first time. I tried telling him how good everything smelled and that I deserved it after all of the "nasty" foods I had to endure. I tried to make him tell me it would be OK just this one time. That one meal couldn't or wouldn't somehow break my diet. After what seemed like forever of explanations (and excuses) he would not give in. He told me that opening this door would just lead to more "just this once" times and that I would make and excuse for every city I went to for the first time. He did not falter. He did not change his position and he supported all the right reasons as to why I should not order any Mexican food. Thank goodness for Zach. His unfaltering support had me pacing in my hotel room trying to talk myself into dinner with chips, salsa, tortillas, and as much Mexican food as I could eat in one meal. I was still conflicted when I got in the car and turned on the GPS. I went to Texas Roadhouse, had a salad, fresh vegetables with no butter/oil, and a lean sirloin steak. When I left I felt satisfied  This was a victory for me. And this morning, I felt even better! See, this experience, overcoming this struggle, has taught me that I can choose and make the right choices. Finding the almond milk reassures me that when this is all over and I don't have the structured packets of meals that I don't have to go back to the foods I knew before. There is a better life, better choices, and better foods that I wasn't even aware of. I am finally finding control and a better way. 

So I guess Zach is to thank today for this discovery. But I'm excited for the future and for all of things I have to learn about myself and the way I think about things. (Food in general) So for today I am going to live with hope. Hope in my better future. Hope in my better body. And hope in my better choices. 

--Ashley C.

Death

     It has been a whole weekend since the shooting in Newtown, CT and I still can't imagine death the way I use to. I use to feel peace. I use to be able to move on after a tragedy very easily. That particular trait helped me cope with a lot of stressful situations I had as an EMT on an ambulance. When children died or when there were fatalities in a car accident, I could easily "God" them away and felt like they had fully lived enough and could move on to another world now.
     As I was finishing up my mother's Christmas present, a slide show of pictures from before she was married until now, I couldn't stop thinking about every child, youth, and adult that I have seen over the past ten years that has died. I couldn't stop wandering what happens to them and will their loved ones ever see them again? When my family members have died and will die in the future, is that it? Will I never get to hug them again? Will I never see my parents after they've passed? Not knowing use to be so easy for me. Any out of my control I could live with and I knew I would just have to move on because there was no use wasting my tears on something that I would never know the answers to. As I'm remembering my day Friday, I am trying to move past the unknowns and I have been telling myself that it will do no good to think about the many children who died and who's families may never see them again, including the shooter and his family. I am trying to suppress the feelings of sadness I feel when I think about my family and how long it has been since I've seen them and how long I would have to go before feeling peace, from death, when they die. It is overwhelming to ponder about your loved ones leaving you for a lifetime. I just wish I knew or at least didn't care what happens after death.
     I want to spend the remainder of my life with the man I love. When he passes on, will I see him again? When I die, can I have the peace in knowing that I will see him someday? No. I have to accept that six year olds die and may never see their mothers again. My husband will die, and I may never kiss him again. My mother, father, sister, brothers will all die, and I will never know if I will hug them again. I guess when people say to live every moment like it's your last, it is true advice. Marriages should be like dating, forever. Never ceasing to love in new ways. Families should find forgiveness, never forgetting that they are solely the only family they will ever have. I hope I can find peace in my life and I do wish that after death, our "souls"  are exsistant and do remember all of the things that made us human and all of those we loved along the way.

--Ashley C.

Innocence Lost

     There was so much innocence lost today. So many children, families, teachers, police officers and friends affected by such a tragedy. This morning a 20 year old boy went to a local elementary school and killed over 20 students and staff, including his own mother. There were many lives saved and spared when this boy shot and killed himself, but no innocence was spared. Kindergardeners... elementary school aged children... their innocence was not saved. They will forever remember today, as will their families. As tears stream down my face, I try to imagine if I had children how I would feel in sending my child to school. I think about all of the policies that are put in place to keep our children safe, but fail to do so. It is hard to imagine the relief I would feel to see my child walking out of their school with their eyes shut, holding onto the child in front of them. I also, with a heavy heart, try to imagine the intense grief, pain, and suffering I would feel if I did not see my child walking out with their class. I can not imagine it this way. I can barely imagine seeing my own siblings, or friend's children not coming home, not opening the presents that are already under the tree for them on Christmas. How devastating events like this are, that we fail to learn from on a personal level. How unprepared we are as a community and society that this continues to happen, over and over again. Once is bad enough, but multiple times, across the nation, in different situations, is almost too much to bear. But we must bear it, we must continue on with life as normal, bear the souls of babies on our minds.
     In a way, I have lost quite a bit of innocence today. I've lost my since of safety and peace of mind. I've lost a lot of faith in other people protecting what is mine. I wish I could do something, but there is nothing to be done. You can not bring back a life after it has ended, no matter how much medical knowledge or "faith" that you may have, you cannot bring back the children or teachers of today's massacre. It is in times like this, where prayer used to comfort me and bring me peace, but there is no peace to be found. Just sorrow. I do hope will everything I have that the families and friends that have been personally affected today will somehow find peace and understanding.

-Ashley C.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness...

     Life... I try to live it. Liberty... I try to take advantage of it. The Pursuit of Happiness... I'm obviously pursuing it on a daily basis.
     My life has been crazy and grounded all at once as it seems to be a lot. Maybe this is the actual normal in most people's lives. I have taken on the task of starting a business with my love. While most may say this is not a good idea and even experts have commented on the fact that it should be something done cautiously, I've found that it has added a since of understanding in our relationship. It has forced us both to be more understanding and to have better communication skills. I'm not saying it has been easy, because it has been surely the opposite! And finding a happy medium between professionalism and relationshipism is still a shot in the dark sometimes. Our relationship has blossomed in such a different way than before. We listen, even if we don't admit it, and we have grown and have room to grow, as individuals and as a couple. I think we all tend to think when we work on something that we, obviously, are the hardest workers on the face of the Earth. This has been a struggle personally for my relationship, and when money is involved and hard work is being measured, I personally feel like, it is nearly impossible to convey how much you care about something or how hard you have worked and plan to work to someone who feels the same way, about themselves. I do believe that we can do this, and that we can do it gloriously! And when we are talking about crumbling or conquering... Zach and I are the conquering type. So look out world, we are now the newest small business owners! (And I get to have a business card.)


     Check out the site and maybe comment on what you think!

                                                   www.boffolessons.com


--Ashley

Love and Life

     I have been neglecting my blog nearly as much as I neglect my own journal. I guess every post doesn't have to start out that way, but I suppose I'm just trying to emphasize that I don't have as much time on my hands to post things in an intellectual setting.
     The past few months, and by few I mean about 9 months, a lot of changes have happened to my faith, my views on the world and politics, my life in general, my finances, and pretty much everything else in my life. I am not going to say that I have been naive my entire life, even if I have, but I feel like I don't give as much credit to people as I might have before. I suppose this is me becoming an adult, and not just a young adult getting use to the world, but an actual adult. I've come to realize that when before I would have accepted something at face value, because I trusted the person giving me said information, when now I question everything. And when I say everything, I mean just about everything that is said to me. Not that I find people to be liars and untrustworthy, but people are liars and untrustworthy. Especially the people who you hold dear and love very much. They may not realize that they are untrustworthy or uneducated, but they are and I have to be cautious around them, when it comes to information. I've also found that I just need to keep my life to myself, because the more people who are in my life (business) the more people there are to run my life and tell me what I should and should not be doing. This is particularly annoying, especially because I am extremely independent, and I don't want to share my life with a million people. I am just learning how to share my thoughts and actions with one person, much less tens and hundreds of people. And might I just add on how difficult it is to integrate yourself into someone else's life and incorporating them into yours. There is now not only one opinion on a major issue, but two, and not one work schedule, family life, or interests, but two sets of each of these. I may have been in relationships before and even known him for over a year now on a romantic level, but I guess I always assumed that my schedule, family, interests, and time was more prevalent, because it was me, but I'm learning how to compromise and how to be a part of a working relationship and not a power struggle. I think that, and oddly enough, the presidential election brought some of this out of me. I have seen so many strong couples fall during this time of the year because of differentiating opinions and I don't want to fit into that category  I feel that if you are a couple, you should have a strong front to the world and to others, especially in times of chaos and struggle. Politics, religion, major issues should not be things that couples should be separated on. Common ground, understanding, compromise .. this is what a relationship should be based on. I think I've always known this, but I never implemented it into my own relationships. Mostly because I am prideful, but recently I've realized how much I want this to work and I've really had a heart to heart with myself about what has to happen for it to work. Things had to change, communication most of all needed to be better. And lowering my pride and the fact that I am not perfect, and don't know everything and that it is okay to be that way has made my life so much better. Not necessarily easier, but it's becoming part of how I try to be on a daily basis. Not just thinking about myself and how what I do affects me, but about my love and how it affects him and us together. I guess time will be the only thing to tell how this works out.
     Well that is what has been going on in my head. On a separate note, Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, and that means Black Friday is on it's way too. I get to see my Elizabeth Ann and shop all in one week! Maybe I'll remember to take some pictures of the crazy shopping going on and post them.

Ashley C.

Crumbling and Conquering at the same time...

     As go most of my posts, I generally write about some accomplishment, fears, or downfalls of my life, or just how I feel at that moment about a certain topic. My life has still continued to be a little crazy and I'm missing stability right now. Currently I am in Seattle, Washington again, freezing my butt off might I add, and I'm missing everything that has been stable for me over the past few months. Most importantly I miss Zach. He use to fill the majority of my day with laughter, happiness, and on the occasion annoyance. Not only did he bring me great joy, but he helped me grow as a thinker, a person, a woman, a girlfriend, and an independent person in general. As I'm writing this I miss him more and more and wish things weren't what they are. I feel like we did go back and forth in relationships often, but over the last few months (excluding this one) we were weirdly happy and things were going great. A lot of things led up to Zach and me not being together or talking at all and I'm not going to post it here in a public place, because lets face it, it isn't anyone business what goes on in his life and it isn't my place to make that public knowledge, so I'll leave it as I miss him and I wish things were different.
    I do get to go home and see most of my family this weekend for a couple weeks, which I am looking forward to. It feels like Christmas time and I love seeing them. Maybe it feels that way because it's so cold, but I usually don't see my family until the holidays, so this is a good treat. I'm sure I'll be feeling differently after the first few days and will be dying to get back to work, but for now I'm feeling the happiness and excitement that I usually feel before a trip to their house. And my older brother won't be there, he just got engaged, but I'll think of him and text him a lot. (I'm not sure how I feel about him being engaged right now, I think he really needs to finish school or get a career where he can take care of a family before he starts having kids, but I do love his fiance' Brittney, and it's good to add another woman to the family.)
     On top of all my mental hang ups of myself being alone most of the time, I've been battling a cold, or what I'm starting to think is bronchitis, for over a month now! I can't wait to get to my mother's doctors office and get a steroid shot or some form of antibiotic, since all the antibiotics Zach sent me have been crushed and ruined, and lets face it, I can't just ask for more. I'm also getting excited about Halloween, which is a rarity for me. I've been invited to a Halloween party up in Detroit, by a few of my Michigan friends and while I'm nervous, I'm excited to be there as well. It is so nice to work in a place where I have friends nearby, because I don't feel so alone.
     Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what this post was about. To sum everything up I suppose I can be crumbling in parts of my life while conquering the others. I was never aware that it was possible to do that, but I'm learning more about myself every day. (And trying to control the new part of myself that wants to spend every dollar I make on shoes and jackets!) Hope this was a nice post to the few of you who read my blog.

--Ashley C.