I Can See Clearly Now...

     Over the last year I feel like I've become a different person. Not all in a bad way, I just feel like my head is finally clearing up. I have gone through so much sorrow and regret, I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to be the best that I can be and everything should fall into place the way it is meant to be. I don't know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to do. I know that I am putting my faith in the unknown and that I know I will be okay.
     I've decided to put my goals on paper. I can't put my relationship goals or goals of my heart on paper, but I can put goals that involve myself in cement. I can make the things in my life that I can control happen. The things I can't control, I have to have faith that it will work out the way it is suppose to. So I've made a "Vision Board." This is basically a poster that has my goals and dreams in picture and word form in a place where I can see it and think about how I can make it happen. I'm proud of myself today for this. I'm proud that I can figure things out logically and clearly. I can see where I want to be and I can achieve it. I hope this continues to work for me and that I can continue to have faith in the unknown. That my heart will be happy and that my soul can sing one day.

This is to my visions and to my goals.

Suspension

     Sometimes it feels like my life is suspended in front of me. That is especially how my life feels today. When I say today, I mean at least the last month. I know that at times I feel terribly wonderful and at times I feel terribly down, especially in the last few years. I guess that can be characterized as mood swings or it could be that life is just coming at me in waves and my emotions get the better of me in most situations. Either way, it seems as if my life is just going. With or without me it seems to be moving monotonously in one direction. Working and not working are my two main objectives. I'm not saying I don't have goals or things planned, but I've had the issue of not knowing what my long term goals are for quite a while. I don't know where I'll be in five years or what my career will entail in that time. I don't know if I'll have a family or if I'll be alone. I don't know if I'll finish school or become healthy. I do know that I have goals and wants for my future, I just wish they were a bit clearer. I want my life to be moving at a steady pace, moving forward, towards greater happiness. Not in this weird state where I'm not crumbling downward, I'm not conquering much, and I'm just stagnant. It may not seem that way. I have a great job, I get to travel the country and see the world on my own time. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who supports me and tries to  nurture my sensitivities. My family is closer than most and I get to see them more frequently than a lot of other people and their families. While all of these things are true, I feel that on an intellectual level I'm not moving. I feel like on a level of careers I'm not moving. I feel like on a level of emotionalism, I don't feel as secure as I would like to. I'm not writing this for answers, but for a clearer understanding on my part. I'm hoping that all of my faults and insecurities can be resolved and soon. I didn't start this blog so that I could be standing in suspension and to record those moments. I started to write about my success stories and my failed attempts at success....

Christian Charity or Just Plain Charity

     This afternoon I went to wash my dirty clothes. I've been needing to do this for a few days now and I'm on my last pair of clean panties. Okay, that is a little too much information, but seriously, it was time to wash some clothes. I've stayed in Cleveland before and there is a laundry mat that I go to every time I'm here. So I get there, I put my clothes on and as I"m enjoying my amazing, zero calorie, herbal tea, this older woman comes in and starts talking to the attendant on duty. They are obviously friends, and I can tell by the homemade pot roast being past along between them that they have been friends for a long while. I could not help myself, I commented on how wonderful the food smelled. As I am getting to know these two ladies the woman who walked in after me asks when the last time it was that I had a home cooked meal. Not five minutes later she had a Tupperware container filled with the delicious smelling pot roast, and put it in my hands. I did not know these two women, and the amazing kindness they showed me will not be forgotten.
     This event is making me think about charity and how all sorts of people are charitable. I am wondering why when I think of charity, I think of Christians. I am thinking that it is because as a Christian, I was directed to involve myself in charity a lot. Charity is after all, the love of Christ.  As an atheist, where does charity fit it? Is that something we do because, we would want others to treat us with the same kindness? Or is it something we do because, it is expected of us as human beings? Why as humans do we feel the need to help each other? Why is it "embedded" in our DNA to help those less fortunate than ourselves? I certainly don't need food or money from a stranger, but a stranger fed me because, she felt that it would bring me comfort. That to me is so touching and wonderful. I hope that I can show that kind of kindness to others as my life continues. As I think about the questions that I have asked in this post, I believe I will eventually come to some answer and maybe this is why our species is "higher" in intelligence than other animals. .

--Ashley C.

Sweat, Tears, and Fish

     This is the end of week two on MediFast, and I feel like it has been months. I ended the week with a 40 minute cardio work out. Now to avid trainers, that doesn't sound like a long, awful, workout; but to me, it is double the time I normally spend on a treadmill in one day. I want to keep saying that I hate sweating and that I don't like the gym. Which is actually quite true, but tonight I am finding the good feeling after a work out. I have been fighting myself every night, as Zach will surely tell you, with going to the gym. Once I get there I get through it and end up enjoying my night. I guess I need to find a way to motivate myself, because it is life or death. I can live, I can better myself, or I can just keep sliding down this slippery slope of greasy, delicious, sweet, death. I've cried about it, I've pouted about it, and now it's time for me to do something about it.
     I've actually been pretty emotional lately and, I feel like I'm just getting my emotions back in check. I've felt overwhelmed, distant, and nearly worthless. I am learning that, getting a better diet and a better work out plan does not make me feel of more value. I'm not saying that I feel like I'm not worth anything or that I'm an awful person, because I'm not. I do feel like I could be better a better person, girlfriend (as I've learned all too recently,) and friend. I could be happier, nicer, more understanding, and in general better. Dieting and exercise isn't going to bring me to that point. Emotional workouts seem to be just as hard, if not harder than physical workouts.
     On a different note, Zach bought a fish tonight. I named him Fred. He is a royal blue beta fish and I can't wait to get a picture of him. It got me thinking about pets and the comfort they can bring into our lives. Now, a fish can't cuddle with you on the couch, or go out for a walk on a leash, but there is something about life that makes us as humans happy to be apart of. I have always had pets in one way or the other. Living in a hotel and on the road makes that impossible, but it just got me thinking about pets and why they bring us happiness. Pets bring comfort and wonder. We always wonder about how our pets feel or if they're thinking, and what exactly they're thinking about. It is healthy to think about things like that and I miss having animals in my life. I can't wait to see how having a fish affects Zach's life.

--Ashley C.

Mystery Shopping for My Relationship

     This morning, I was filling out a survey for a restaurant I went to a few weeks ago. As I was writing about how lack luster the service was, I got to thinking about my own life. Can I put a random survey out there on my relationship? I wondered if I was "up to par", or if I also was "lack luster," as a girlfriend. I think that, the majority of the time, I am fully invested in my relationship. I am actively thinking about the things that I say and do, and how those things will affect my wonderful, handsome, awesome, boyfriend. But, on occasion, I find myself wondering if what I am doing or saying is enough. Am I putting my all into this relationship? Am I being the best for him? For the last few weeks, I'm not sure if I can answer all of those questions with a yes. I have been going to sleep because, I am tired. I have been eating because I am hungry. I have been watching a movie because, I am bored. I have been doing a lot of things because, I want to do them. Are these the right things for my relationship?  It is easy to lean on someone for support, and to forget that this is a two way support system. I hope that I have been enough and can be enough in the future. I hope that he understands how much he means to me and how amazing his support has been. I hope he understands that I want to be the best girlfriend he could ever ask for.
     I want to pass out a survey to see what kind of girlfriend, daughter, sister, or best friend I am. And, if I did, would the results be what I expect them to be, or would I also "lack luster" in a few areas?  I think we all have faults, that isn't what I mean. I mean, is this the best I will ever be and is this enough for such a great guy? I'm not sure.
     I think it is the moments of doubt, like this, that make me better in the future. While these doubts seem harsh or insignificant in the grand scheme of things, these doubts make me think, and feel, and make different decisions to test the waters. So while it may seem like a down point to me, maybe it will turn into something that I am confident about or something that I can say yes to. Yes, I am a great girlfriend, friend, sister, or daughter. Until then, I guess I'll just be searching, changing, and improving myself.

--Ashley C.

A New Life

I wanted to share something from my actual journal today. I'll type it up word for word and write a little bit after. Are you ready? Here we go.

     There's hope!!! Today is day four of MediFast and I've finally found enjoyment and control. I can do this! I can loose weight! I can make healthy decisions! I can choose!

     I have decided to weigh in once a week so that I'm not obsessing over the ups and downs or over the numbers. So I've got until Sunday to worry about all of that. Today I tasted almond milk for the first time. WOW! It's rich, sweet, has great flavor, and most importantly... I can drink it once a day on this diet!!! I haven't been this excited since I got my current job. I know being excited over almond milk may sound ridiculous  but it isn't just that. I'm discovering ways to live healthier. I'm finding that I can be in control of my choices. (With help at first and throughout) I've realized that food isn't suppose to be a reward, a comfort, or something that I "deserve." Let me explain a little further. Yesterday, I flew into San Antonio, Texas. (Need I say more) The moment I walked out of the airport I could smell the aroma of fresh tortillas and fajitas  Not a moment later I had a local telling me the best places to eat and WHERE THEY WERE LOCATED! I called Zach on my way to the hotel and tried to convince him that this may be a once in a life time chance to experience San Antonio for the first time. I tried telling him how good everything smelled and that I deserved it after all of the "nasty" foods I had to endure. I tried to make him tell me it would be OK just this one time. That one meal couldn't or wouldn't somehow break my diet. After what seemed like forever of explanations (and excuses) he would not give in. He told me that opening this door would just lead to more "just this once" times and that I would make and excuse for every city I went to for the first time. He did not falter. He did not change his position and he supported all the right reasons as to why I should not order any Mexican food. Thank goodness for Zach. His unfaltering support had me pacing in my hotel room trying to talk myself into dinner with chips, salsa, tortillas, and as much Mexican food as I could eat in one meal. I was still conflicted when I got in the car and turned on the GPS. I went to Texas Roadhouse, had a salad, fresh vegetables with no butter/oil, and a lean sirloin steak. When I left I felt satisfied  This was a victory for me. And this morning, I felt even better! See, this experience, overcoming this struggle, has taught me that I can choose and make the right choices. Finding the almond milk reassures me that when this is all over and I don't have the structured packets of meals that I don't have to go back to the foods I knew before. There is a better life, better choices, and better foods that I wasn't even aware of. I am finally finding control and a better way. 

So I guess Zach is to thank today for this discovery. But I'm excited for the future and for all of things I have to learn about myself and the way I think about things. (Food in general) So for today I am going to live with hope. Hope in my better future. Hope in my better body. And hope in my better choices. 

--Ashley C.

Death

     It has been a whole weekend since the shooting in Newtown, CT and I still can't imagine death the way I use to. I use to feel peace. I use to be able to move on after a tragedy very easily. That particular trait helped me cope with a lot of stressful situations I had as an EMT on an ambulance. When children died or when there were fatalities in a car accident, I could easily "God" them away and felt like they had fully lived enough and could move on to another world now.
     As I was finishing up my mother's Christmas present, a slide show of pictures from before she was married until now, I couldn't stop thinking about every child, youth, and adult that I have seen over the past ten years that has died. I couldn't stop wandering what happens to them and will their loved ones ever see them again? When my family members have died and will die in the future, is that it? Will I never get to hug them again? Will I never see my parents after they've passed? Not knowing use to be so easy for me. Any out of my control I could live with and I knew I would just have to move on because there was no use wasting my tears on something that I would never know the answers to. As I'm remembering my day Friday, I am trying to move past the unknowns and I have been telling myself that it will do no good to think about the many children who died and who's families may never see them again, including the shooter and his family. I am trying to suppress the feelings of sadness I feel when I think about my family and how long it has been since I've seen them and how long I would have to go before feeling peace, from death, when they die. It is overwhelming to ponder about your loved ones leaving you for a lifetime. I just wish I knew or at least didn't care what happens after death.
     I want to spend the remainder of my life with the man I love. When he passes on, will I see him again? When I die, can I have the peace in knowing that I will see him someday? No. I have to accept that six year olds die and may never see their mothers again. My husband will die, and I may never kiss him again. My mother, father, sister, brothers will all die, and I will never know if I will hug them again. I guess when people say to live every moment like it's your last, it is true advice. Marriages should be like dating, forever. Never ceasing to love in new ways. Families should find forgiveness, never forgetting that they are solely the only family they will ever have. I hope I can find peace in my life and I do wish that after death, our "souls"  are exsistant and do remember all of the things that made us human and all of those we loved along the way.

--Ashley C.

Innocence Lost

     There was so much innocence lost today. So many children, families, teachers, police officers and friends affected by such a tragedy. This morning a 20 year old boy went to a local elementary school and killed over 20 students and staff, including his own mother. There were many lives saved and spared when this boy shot and killed himself, but no innocence was spared. Kindergardeners... elementary school aged children... their innocence was not saved. They will forever remember today, as will their families. As tears stream down my face, I try to imagine if I had children how I would feel in sending my child to school. I think about all of the policies that are put in place to keep our children safe, but fail to do so. It is hard to imagine the relief I would feel to see my child walking out of their school with their eyes shut, holding onto the child in front of them. I also, with a heavy heart, try to imagine the intense grief, pain, and suffering I would feel if I did not see my child walking out with their class. I can not imagine it this way. I can barely imagine seeing my own siblings, or friend's children not coming home, not opening the presents that are already under the tree for them on Christmas. How devastating events like this are, that we fail to learn from on a personal level. How unprepared we are as a community and society that this continues to happen, over and over again. Once is bad enough, but multiple times, across the nation, in different situations, is almost too much to bear. But we must bear it, we must continue on with life as normal, bear the souls of babies on our minds.
     In a way, I have lost quite a bit of innocence today. I've lost my since of safety and peace of mind. I've lost a lot of faith in other people protecting what is mine. I wish I could do something, but there is nothing to be done. You can not bring back a life after it has ended, no matter how much medical knowledge or "faith" that you may have, you cannot bring back the children or teachers of today's massacre. It is in times like this, where prayer used to comfort me and bring me peace, but there is no peace to be found. Just sorrow. I do hope will everything I have that the families and friends that have been personally affected today will somehow find peace and understanding.

-Ashley C.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness...

     Life... I try to live it. Liberty... I try to take advantage of it. The Pursuit of Happiness... I'm obviously pursuing it on a daily basis.
     My life has been crazy and grounded all at once as it seems to be a lot. Maybe this is the actual normal in most people's lives. I have taken on the task of starting a business with my love. While most may say this is not a good idea and even experts have commented on the fact that it should be something done cautiously, I've found that it has added a since of understanding in our relationship. It has forced us both to be more understanding and to have better communication skills. I'm not saying it has been easy, because it has been surely the opposite! And finding a happy medium between professionalism and relationshipism is still a shot in the dark sometimes. Our relationship has blossomed in such a different way than before. We listen, even if we don't admit it, and we have grown and have room to grow, as individuals and as a couple. I think we all tend to think when we work on something that we, obviously, are the hardest workers on the face of the Earth. This has been a struggle personally for my relationship, and when money is involved and hard work is being measured, I personally feel like, it is nearly impossible to convey how much you care about something or how hard you have worked and plan to work to someone who feels the same way, about themselves. I do believe that we can do this, and that we can do it gloriously! And when we are talking about crumbling or conquering... Zach and I are the conquering type. So look out world, we are now the newest small business owners! (And I get to have a business card.)


     Check out the site and maybe comment on what you think!

                                                   www.boffolessons.com


--Ashley

Love and Life

     I have been neglecting my blog nearly as much as I neglect my own journal. I guess every post doesn't have to start out that way, but I suppose I'm just trying to emphasize that I don't have as much time on my hands to post things in an intellectual setting.
     The past few months, and by few I mean about 9 months, a lot of changes have happened to my faith, my views on the world and politics, my life in general, my finances, and pretty much everything else in my life. I am not going to say that I have been naive my entire life, even if I have, but I feel like I don't give as much credit to people as I might have before. I suppose this is me becoming an adult, and not just a young adult getting use to the world, but an actual adult. I've come to realize that when before I would have accepted something at face value, because I trusted the person giving me said information, when now I question everything. And when I say everything, I mean just about everything that is said to me. Not that I find people to be liars and untrustworthy, but people are liars and untrustworthy. Especially the people who you hold dear and love very much. They may not realize that they are untrustworthy or uneducated, but they are and I have to be cautious around them, when it comes to information. I've also found that I just need to keep my life to myself, because the more people who are in my life (business) the more people there are to run my life and tell me what I should and should not be doing. This is particularly annoying, especially because I am extremely independent, and I don't want to share my life with a million people. I am just learning how to share my thoughts and actions with one person, much less tens and hundreds of people. And might I just add on how difficult it is to integrate yourself into someone else's life and incorporating them into yours. There is now not only one opinion on a major issue, but two, and not one work schedule, family life, or interests, but two sets of each of these. I may have been in relationships before and even known him for over a year now on a romantic level, but I guess I always assumed that my schedule, family, interests, and time was more prevalent, because it was me, but I'm learning how to compromise and how to be a part of a working relationship and not a power struggle. I think that, and oddly enough, the presidential election brought some of this out of me. I have seen so many strong couples fall during this time of the year because of differentiating opinions and I don't want to fit into that category  I feel that if you are a couple, you should have a strong front to the world and to others, especially in times of chaos and struggle. Politics, religion, major issues should not be things that couples should be separated on. Common ground, understanding, compromise .. this is what a relationship should be based on. I think I've always known this, but I never implemented it into my own relationships. Mostly because I am prideful, but recently I've realized how much I want this to work and I've really had a heart to heart with myself about what has to happen for it to work. Things had to change, communication most of all needed to be better. And lowering my pride and the fact that I am not perfect, and don't know everything and that it is okay to be that way has made my life so much better. Not necessarily easier, but it's becoming part of how I try to be on a daily basis. Not just thinking about myself and how what I do affects me, but about my love and how it affects him and us together. I guess time will be the only thing to tell how this works out.
     Well that is what has been going on in my head. On a separate note, Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, and that means Black Friday is on it's way too. I get to see my Elizabeth Ann and shop all in one week! Maybe I'll remember to take some pictures of the crazy shopping going on and post them.

Ashley C.

Crumbling and Conquering at the same time...

     As go most of my posts, I generally write about some accomplishment, fears, or downfalls of my life, or just how I feel at that moment about a certain topic. My life has still continued to be a little crazy and I'm missing stability right now. Currently I am in Seattle, Washington again, freezing my butt off might I add, and I'm missing everything that has been stable for me over the past few months. Most importantly I miss Zach. He use to fill the majority of my day with laughter, happiness, and on the occasion annoyance. Not only did he bring me great joy, but he helped me grow as a thinker, a person, a woman, a girlfriend, and an independent person in general. As I'm writing this I miss him more and more and wish things weren't what they are. I feel like we did go back and forth in relationships often, but over the last few months (excluding this one) we were weirdly happy and things were going great. A lot of things led up to Zach and me not being together or talking at all and I'm not going to post it here in a public place, because lets face it, it isn't anyone business what goes on in his life and it isn't my place to make that public knowledge, so I'll leave it as I miss him and I wish things were different.
    I do get to go home and see most of my family this weekend for a couple weeks, which I am looking forward to. It feels like Christmas time and I love seeing them. Maybe it feels that way because it's so cold, but I usually don't see my family until the holidays, so this is a good treat. I'm sure I'll be feeling differently after the first few days and will be dying to get back to work, but for now I'm feeling the happiness and excitement that I usually feel before a trip to their house. And my older brother won't be there, he just got engaged, but I'll think of him and text him a lot. (I'm not sure how I feel about him being engaged right now, I think he really needs to finish school or get a career where he can take care of a family before he starts having kids, but I do love his fiance' Brittney, and it's good to add another woman to the family.)
     On top of all my mental hang ups of myself being alone most of the time, I've been battling a cold, or what I'm starting to think is bronchitis, for over a month now! I can't wait to get to my mother's doctors office and get a steroid shot or some form of antibiotic, since all the antibiotics Zach sent me have been crushed and ruined, and lets face it, I can't just ask for more. I'm also getting excited about Halloween, which is a rarity for me. I've been invited to a Halloween party up in Detroit, by a few of my Michigan friends and while I'm nervous, I'm excited to be there as well. It is so nice to work in a place where I have friends nearby, because I don't feel so alone.
     Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what this post was about. To sum everything up I suppose I can be crumbling in parts of my life while conquering the others. I was never aware that it was possible to do that, but I'm learning more about myself every day. (And trying to control the new part of myself that wants to spend every dollar I make on shoes and jackets!) Hope this was a nice post to the few of you who read my blog.

--Ashley C.

Pink, Purple, and White! OH MY!

Aunt Ashley loves her baby girl!

     Elizabeth Ann Pierce, my cousin's first baby, was born on September 6, 2012 at 8:07 PM. She weighted 7 lbs 7 oz and was 19 inches long. From the short time I saw her, she is beautiful and is going to be quite a challenge to her two, grounded and unrealistic parents. She aspirated meconium when she was born and was rushed the the NICU for a few days because of the small holes in her lungs, caused by the doctors who were trying to get her to breath after delivery. Jessica got to come home last night and was a little bit of a wreck because her baby doesn't come home until tomorrow. She will survive, and especially now that she is producing milk and can breast feed.

Mommy gets to hold her for the first time!

     This birth has opened my eyes to how true it is that you see people's true colors when they are under a lot of stress. It's also made me think about how I want to be when I have a child and how I would feel. Now there is no 100% way to tell, or to say this is exactly how it's going to be. Mainly because all pregnancies and births are different and I'm sure I act differently under stress. It's also brought up a few concerns for how I want my children to be raised and how I would chose the company that they are around as they get older.
     I want my children to know science and logic. I want them to know that we can't just make up answers because we don't understand something. There is always an explanation, even if we don't know right now, doesn't mean we can't know in the future. The grass isn't green because someone said it is or made it that way. It's green because of the chemical exchanges that go on inside the blade of grass. I don't want them to accept what people say, just because they say it. They should be able to back up everything with fact and if they don't have the fact, they should know how to find it. This is more difficult for me, because while I've always asked questions, I'm easy to accept an answer, even if it isn't backed by fact. I was raised this way and it's been hard for me to stick to my guns until I know without a shadow of a doubt that what is being said is correct. This has also made it hard to back my own opinions, especially when what I believe is just because "I feel that it is right" or "so-in-so told me, and I trust them." I've had to re-learn a lot of things and it's making my adult life difficult.
     That being said, I also want my children to know love and family. I grew up with two very large extended families and they have been the aspect of my life that has shaped me and taught me how to be an adult. I feel like I've gotten things from my aunts, uncles, and grandparents that you can't get from your parents and siblings alone. I want my children to know that people believe different ways and it doesn't make them bad or horrible, but just different. I want them to realize how to judge and how to be respectful, even if you feel like they are wrong. I want my children to know their family and where they came from so that they can know me and their father better. Even if it is hard for me to have my children exposed to beliefs that I don't follow, I want them to realize that all kinds of people can love them and can be good. It makes me sad to think that my family or my future husbands family wouldn't be involved in my life as an adult and I think that's because I grew up around family. They are important to me and have been the only ones around for my entire life. Maybe I will learn to balance everything... maybe not, only time will tell.



--Ashley

My List of One Hundred

     So I have compiled a list of 100 qualities. These are really qualities that I would find in the perfect man. Now by the end of the list, if you know me, you may be asking yourself "where was muscles... or tall, dark, and handsome?" But I have decided when I started this list that only the most important things I could think of would go here and truly, muscles and brawn are not most important to me when I think about a lifetime partner. These are...

   1.       Responsible

   2.       Respectful

   3.       Loving

   4.       Kind

   5.       Funny

   6.       Protective

   7.       Confident

   8.       Caring

   9.       Intelligent

  10.   Chivalrous

  11.   Polite

  12.   Passionate

  13.   Successful

  14.   Masculine

  15.   Fearless

  16.   Attractive

  17.   Witty

  18.   Sarcastic

  19.   Adventurous

  20.   Good Communication Skills

  21.   Happy

  22.   Positive

  23.   Cheesy

  24.   Wants to be a husband

  25.   Wants to be a father

  26.   Provider

  27.   Romantic

  28.   Family oriented

  29.   My family loves him

  30.   My friends love him

  31.   Good with a budget

  32.   Has character

  33.   Brings out the best in me

  34.   Exciting

  35.   Friendly

  36.   Laid back

  37.   Has common sense

  38.   Can be “the boss”

  39.   Good cook

  40.   Clean

  41.   Enjoys my family

  42.   Creative

  43.   Strong (Emotionally/Physically)

  44.   Taller than me

  45.   Good kisser

  46.   Eloquent speaker

  47.   Respects himself

  48.   Knowledgeable

  49.   Good hygiene

  50.   Hard worker

  51.   Sweet

  52.   Playful

  53.   Appropriate

  54.   Outspoken

  55.   Open

  56.   Sexy

  57.   Sensual

  58.   Intellectual

  59.   Sensitive

  60.   Understanding

  61.   Competitive

  62.   Creative

  63.   Honest

  64.   Trustworthy

  65.   Keeps me honest

  66.   Realistic

  67.   Challenges me

  68.   Non-judgmental

  69.   Grateful

  70.   Handsome

  71.   Smells good

  72.   Tech savvy

  73.   Supportive

  74.   Loves dogs

  75.   Someone I can share everything with

  76.   Can make me smile in any situation

  77.   Open minded

  78.   Good listener

  79.   Playful

  80.   Committed

  81.   Courageous

  82.   Fearless

  83.   Honorable

  84.   Grounded

  85.   Optimistic

  86.   Forgiving

  87.   Good discernment

  88.   Appreciative

  89.   Hard-working (not the same as a hard worker)

  90.   Spontaneous

  91.   Sincere

  92.   Patient

  93.   Hospitable

  94.   Emotionally stable

  95.   Driven

  96.   Adaptable

  97.   Loyal

  98.   Considerate

  99.   Holds my hand anywhere

  100.  RICH!!! (In mind/soul/character of course)

Well that took forever to come up with.. but I think it made me really focus on what I want and  who I want to be with, and let me tell you... I am so happy right now with that decision!

-Ashley Clarke

7 Years

     On the gulf coast, all you have to say is Katrina, and citizens know exactly what you're talking about. I lived through it and it's a little ironic that on the same day, today, another hurricane comes through to leave a memory of what we went through seven years ago. I have been sitting in my hotel room today broken hearted, remembering all of the struggles we went through as a community and all that was lost. I am also remembering a point in my life where my faith led me and gave me hope. Sad is the only word I can think of to describe how I am feeling. Katrina was the start to many things in my life. It was the year I got my first job, the year I learned that compassion was something that not everyone had, but many did. It was the year I fell in love for the first time and the year I learned that you can lose everything and still have all that is important to you. There were so many things I learned as a life lesson that year and that I still carry with me today. It stirs many memories in me and brings tears to my eyes as I think about the past. My dear friends and family went through so much then and this hurricane brings all of those emotions flooding right back to me. Sometimes I wish there was no heartache or pain. I wish we didn't have to live through such tragedy. But then I realize that so many wonderful things came from that. My maturity, my apparent view on human life and the reality of how people act in stressful situations. For all the sorrow and hurt that it brings me to think back and wonder "what if" I can't do anything  but remember and learn from it. I do hope that all of those who are living back home where I grew up are safe and have comfort through this remembrance process and know what to do if for some chance of chaos the same situations presents itself. I love and miss my home town.

After Hurricane Katrina 

-Ashley Clarke

An End to a Beautiful Beginning

Tulalip Bay, WA

     This is my last day working in Grand Rapids, MI. Yes, I realize the last time I posted I was in Seattle, WA and in between there I was in Sacramento and Stockton, CA. My life has been on the fast track of busy and stressful all at once. It has all been such a joy and continues to be as I end the last day of my first business endeavor. I have found that I enjoy my job and I've also realized it is expensive and I need to work on my budget or it won't matter that this job pays  more than my previous because I will have it all spent before I get a chance to save any of it.

Sacramento, CA

     I have also re-kindled a love with Zach. At one point I wasn't sure it was possible, but I can't imagine my day without him in it. As sporadic and crazy as it sounds he just makes me smile and I love him. I think we have both grown as people and as a couple in the last few weeks as well. He challenges me on a daily basis, and shows me unconditional love, even if he is under pressure or stress.

Detroit, MI

     In the last week, possibly two, I've been realizing how much of my trust and love for others has been done naively. I did not realize the grotesque amount of discrimination there is in our country. Namely religious discrimination and hatefulness. For a country that was built on religious ground, it was built for others to worship a way they chose; it has turned into "it's fine if you worship, just as long as you worship." Those who chose not to be religious, spiritual, or even believe in a God are punished through emotional judgement and hate. Isn't it the same principle? Can't we all join hands in saying, "everyone has the right to chose"? Weather this includes religion, sexual preference, how to raise their children, etc. As long as it is safe and doesn't harm others or themselves, we should not be concerned with others beliefs and more of their character and attitude. I hope that I can teach my children this when and if I have them. I want them to know that people are imperfect and not always what we expect them to be. We have two options; we can accept them and forgive them of their flaws, or we can exclude them from our lives. There is no need for hateful actions toward them. It does no good to hurt others with words/emotional threats. (Of course I am not talking about illegal actions or life threatening situations)



-Ashley Clarke

The Pages are Turning in My Crazy Book of Life

About to land in Seattle!

     Well a lot has happened over the last month and a half that I have not updated this blog of my life. I no longer work with the same company as I had before, and I've discovered the "blessing" of becoming a personal contractor. I have become a promoter! I absolutely love it, I mean as much as I can love it for being a week in. I've already added Seattle, WA as a place to my list of places I've been and enjoyed. The weather is gorgeous here and the people are pretty nice as well. My so called southern accent doesn't exactly know what to do with itself. I've got a mixture of Louisiana, Washington, and Colorado (from some family that I've been staying with) and my voice sounds so funny after a day of promoting. Basically I distribute coupons for various events. (Think circus and ice performances)

Fishing with my dad before I left for WA.

     I am learning about how friendships and relationships with people stick more through traveling. Those that I really care about and spend most of my time talking to are not necessarily the people that I spent the majority of my time with when I wasn't away from home. Not that I really have a place to call home at this point. I've left my apartment, packed up all of my things, and I've decided to just visit family and friends for a while when I'm not working and to store the rest of my stuff. It makes it easier that I work for a month at a time and I'm off for a few weeks. Gives me time to travel, see my mom and grandparents, be around for my cousin's first baby when she needs me, without having to worry about an 8 hour shift before or afterwards. I will keep some updates going and I'll be a little more persistent in writing here!


-Ashley

Get Moving: A Blog Post About Meeting Goals

     I set a goal in January to be more active. It is now half way through the year and I have come to the agreement that I have fulfilled this goal. I am now going out with friends a lot more and moving my body more consistently than I had been previously. I have also enrolled in a gym membership, which has been rarely used thus far, and have been swimming more frequently as the weather gets warmer. Now being more active does not a healthy body make, but it can help. So my next goal for the second half of the year, or less if it doesn't take that long, is to have a regular schedule for "working out". Not only having a schedule, but sticking to it. After I have this mastered for a few weeks then I will work on actively focusing on my nutrition to go along with working out and being more active. I am actually a little proud of myself. Now with being more active I haven't seen a change in the scale, but that could be because the more I go out, the more calories I consume, but I will be working on that too. I really could use some silent support too, Just to know that people support what I'm doing is good enough for me. I don't really need anyone to push me a certain direction, but it is always good to know that I have the support of good friends who care.

-- Ashley

D-Day A Day Behind

     June 6, 2012... A day that would have been remembered my entire life if sixteen year old Me's dreams came true. June 6, 1944... An actual day that is remembered throughout the world.

     I want to fill everyone in on what my plans were as a young adult for this day. I would be wearing a beautiful white dress with my hair in loose curls down my back and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers overflowing. Walking down the most beautiful aisle towards the man of my dreams. Or, who I thought was the man of my dreams. Yep, a couple of years ago if you would have asked me what I would have done yesterday, I would have told you I was getting married. This isn't something I normally think about anymore or even discuss with most people, even my relatives, but yesterday I couldn't get it off my mind. I would be a married woman today if he would have been the man I needed and knew he could be. Now every once in a while I'll mention my ex, and we did spend a lot of time together. He had my childhood, my young adulthood, if you will. I gave nearly five years of my life to this man and he gave me his as well. I didn't know anyone but him and his love. I learned a lot about life through his eyes and I'm sure he learned a lot about how to be an adult through mine. When we decided to end things I made a commitment not to waste my time looking back and wishing things had gone a different way, I promised I wouldn't regret the decision that I made. And quite honestly I don't regret the things that I did and I don't look back and wish they would have gone differently. I believe that the person I am today has been made from the person I was then and the decisions I have made. I do however like to think back and see how things were going and where I would be right now if we had made different choices in our relationship. I would be a married woman right now and who knows if I would be happy or not, I'm sure I would be. I think about the horrible things that happened throughout world war II and the destruction that was caused and the enormous amount of hope D-Day brought to many who were captives. I wanted that hope for our relationship and I wanted that sigh of relief that I know should never come when you are looking to be married. It should not be a relationship on edge and relief should not be a word used when talking about how you feel after you are finally married. Now I am not going to pretend that all of our relationship was great or that it was all awful, but it was a critical part of my life and I will always remember what came of it. This post is in remembrance of those who have fallen in war and those who have fallen in love.


--Ashley

My Great Friends are Amazing!

     So I have realized that I have been blessed with some pretty good friends in my life. Even if I don't stay in one place and can't see them very often, my friends are always there and really great to me. Last night I was stuck at a bar with my roommate sitting in cigarette smoke and sick. She was really having a great time with her friends and did not want to bring me home, so I sent a message to Larry who came and picked me up no questions asked. Now it isn't so bad to just pick someone up from a public place, but I live about 25 to 30 minutes away from his house and he drove me home and didn't ask for one thing back. This morning, I slept through my alarm and a friend that I work with came by my house just to make sure I was up and ready for work. She is a lifesaver! Without Khristy I would be losing my job due to absences! I am so grateful for my friends and their amazing sweet hearts! I will be living a more giving life today because I have been inspired by their great spirits!

(Time to get better now!)

--Ashley

Halfway To Halloween!! (well.. yesterday)

     Yesterday was halfway to Halloween (May 31st) and I went to a costume party at a local bar with the girls. (Khristy and Stephany) And we all actually dressed up. Stephany was the devil in a blue dress and Khristy was also a devil in a red dress with leather thigh high boots!! Yes she got a lot of shots from randoms. I wore all black with cat ears and a necklace tag. It was really fun to go dancing and spend time with my close friends. I also got to meet a couple of young men last night that made me feel like people are actually interested in me and I'm not always "the other friend." I just like the attention, and sometimes I feel like that is a down point for me, but it was all in fun. I wouldn't marry any of them, but it's nice to get the attention, especially because I've been single and miss having the companionship of some one's company. Well hopefully I can meet someone who is actually interested in a relationship and not just my company.

-- Ashley